Blog #2: Anger Part 1 - Why do We feel angry?

A Story in Middle School about Anger

When I was in middle school, other kids would bully me. One time during lunch, I was standing in line, minding my own business, when out of nowhere, three of my classmates shoved their way to the front of me. They stood shoulder to shoulder, blocking me. My eyebrows furrowed in irritation, as anger started to bubble within, rising up my spine. I wanted them to stop messing with me— I couldn’t let them get away from this. I knew I needed to do something, but I didn’t want to get in trouble. I wedged myself next to the wall and positioned my shoulder against one of them, shoved with all my might. One of them started to lose balance, triggering a domino effect. They fell back, clearing the way. They were shocked, believing I was stronger than them. I felt empowered standing up for myself. Those bullies caused me to feel angry, and it was ultimately my anger which created an action that kept me safe.

In the context of psychology and mental health, we often imagine anger as uncontrolled rage, either our own or someone else’s. If it’s another person, it can send us to freeze in terror, afraid of potential violent actions. If it’s our own, we may end up feeling guilty about our actions. Either way, anger is often assumed to be as undesired and destructive—a force against social conventions. However, what if I told you that although anger can result in destruction, it is an essential part of the human psyche? A part that not only protects us from harm but ensures self-preservation?

The Function of Anger

While “essential”, I do not condone aggressive actions that cause fear and harm to ourselves and others. Nonetheless, the role of anger is an important part of us which serves an essential function.

Imagine:

You’re walking down a street on a rainy day. The sky is light gray and rain gently coats the streets and sidewalks. Your hair gets moist as droplets of water fall from your hair to your eyes, but only for a moment before your hand wipes it away. 

At the corner of the street is a stray dog. It’s skinny, shaking and its hind leg looks injured. You start to approach it stops moving. You take another step forward, and suddenly the dog starts sharply barking at you. You are unsure if it will attack, so you take a step back and decide it’s best to back off. 

In this scenario, the dog was tired, hungry, and injured. It is likely to perceive everything around as threatening or dangerous. As a result, instinct kicked in as it tried to protect itself. 

That is an experience of anger and aggression. Before the dog felt like being aggressive, it was probably experiencing pain, hunger, exhaustion, and a lack of social connection. These experiences were likely the root cause that elicited an aggressive response. We humans react very similarly—we experience anger to protect ourselves when we already feel exposed and cornered, particularly with emotions such as feeling overwhelmed, hurt, shamed, violated, sad, afraid, lonely, etc. In other words, anger is useful because it can motivate us to fight against something that might be ailing us. With anger, we use aggression to get our needs met—it’s an essential part of our being.

The underlying reasons for anger are often more important than the anger itself. For example, suppose we feel irritated and angry because we are exhausted from work. Forcing ourselves to calm down will not address the real cause, and we will likely continue to feel angry. However, if we allow ourselves to get rest or address the things we don’t like at work, we will genuinely feel better.

To Conclude

Anger can lead to destructiveness; but ultimately, it is a primal way for our body to protect itself, and attempt to get its needs met. Beneath our anger, we will likely find unwelcoming emotions, but by finding and being aware of the triggers of our anger, we can start to address what may be fundamentally important to us, giving us better clarity over who we are. 

In the next post, I am going to dive deeper into anger as an emotion, its sensations, the different ways we relate to it, as well as aggression as a behavior. But for now, thank you for reading, and I will catch you in the next post.

Exercise: The Anger Iceberg

If you do an internet search with the keywords “Anger Iceberg”, you will find illustrations of icebergs with the exposed tip labeled “anger”, and a long list of emotions beneath the surface ranging from jealousy to nervousness to tiredness. By creating your own iceberg, you will be able to explore your anger. 

1. On a piece of paper, start by drawing a horizontal line. This represents the water’s surface. Anything underneath the line is underwater. 

2. Draw an iceberg with a small part above the water line, with the majority under it. Then, write “Anger” on the above-water part of the iceberg.

3.  Write down what is in the underwater portion of the iceberg. Include words that describe words such as sadness and exhaustion instead of stories and context.

If you find it very difficult to come up with anything, I challenge you to make this a longer-term project. This may span days, weeks, or longer. Remember, anger/our fight response always has a purpose, and discovering what’s underneath gives us an understanding of the self. 

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Disclaimer: Psychotherapy is a psychological service involving a client interacting with a mental health professional with the aim of assessing or improving the mental health of the client. Neither the contents of this blog, nor our podcast, is psychotherapy, or a substitute for psychotherapy. The contents of this blog may be triggering to some, so reader’s discretion is advised. If you think that any of my suggestions, ideas, or exercises mentioned in this blog are creating further distress, please discontinue reading, and seek a professional’s help.

Therapy Uncomplicated is a podcast that is meant to help people who feel alone and unsupported with their day to day struggles. We want to educate people on mental health and show it isn’t something to be afraid of. We provide the “whys” and the “hows” for a path to wellness. We are here to promote positive change by offering education and new perspectives that destroy stigmas in mental health, and encourage people to go to therapy.